module

Finally finished my algebra take home and turned it in this morning just 5 minutes before the deadline. the problems are not easy and they probably took me about 17 hours since i need to constantly refer to the textbook and going back and forth. I didn't sleep at all last night and I just found out today at the problem review session of math 113, another TA, who is undergraduate, alex, didn't sleep last night either. he just had a test this morning, and after the review session, he went back to the main library to go on studying for the ODE test tomorrow. I am very impressed by how hard american undergraduates worked. I bought a coke and chatted with jun and ding in the math dept and went back home and turned on my computer and listened to BR klassik while I lied on bed and sleep. after i woke up it's 8:30 in the night and the music changed from German Requiem by Brahms to another beautiful chorus that i never heard before. it's so relaxing and beautiful that i don't want to get up. however i was very hungry and i cooked noodles while talking to juan on my laptop. after it was ready, i just had little before i felt full. probably because of the lack of sleep that robbed my appetite. anyway it's 12:30 now have a good night. 

xcar

loafed online for the whole day, browsing xcar bbs of sichuan and felt very lonely as the sun goes down and thinking of the coming due take home tomorrow. i missed the food and people.

two tests

Today I had two tests in a row, i did both of them badly. i felt so bad. i had a bad time talking to pj last night and we almost broke up unhappily. then i tried to concentrate on my book when it was already midnight. then i fell asleep without taking off my clothes. then i had the tests today, only got 15 minutes break between two tests and no time for lunch. i missed almost half of the problems. it's awful.

finals week

Going for the finals, 3 tests 1 take-home in one week. and i am still wandering online aimlessly. i am fed up with myself. i am conscious. i am unconscious. i haven't been sleeping in about 48 hours and i am not sleepy. i will do my physics homework now and i will play Tchaikovsky's Serenade while I am doing my homework.

SNS

I hope that it's the last time of the week that I browse any SNS websites. Don't waste your time again, life is more fruitful when spending alone.

Album Cover

Found an interesting album cover.

The name of the symphony is "Eroica Fantasia", I read it as: Erotic Fantasy"...

Sad night

I am very very sad now. Getting numb just staring at the screen. I don't know why I screwed it up. But I feel like extremely tired but I can't sleep. 

Sometimes I would think what about one week without social networking, without picking my nails and without xxx? I tried to but never succeed. I just don't know the point why I am still staring at this glaring screen while my eyes hurts. It's meaningless, and I hate it, but I keep on doing it, for years. 

Maybe I should think of the rains.

我自以为在不傻逼的道路上独自奔走

　　今天膜拜了一老板的日志，一老板说生活太傻逼无法逃脱。我向来是不愿意做傻逼的，因此面对生活的种种傻逼属性，我一直傻逼兮兮地以为识破了这些傻逼事实，我自己就能不傻逼了。”这太傻逼了这太傻逼了”，我会想，“我一定不能成为这样的傻逼”。于是，在公交上，在火车上，在大街上，在课堂上……当我看到傻逼们在插队，在闯红灯，在喷粪，在自我感觉良好以为自己不傻逼的时候，我不停地对自己说：“不要成为这样的傻逼，不要成为那样的傻逼。”就这样，我带着识别傻逼出没的眼镜，警醒自己不要成为这样的傻逼，不要成为那样的傻逼，我自以为在不傻逼的道路上独自奔走，我以为这样就不会傻逼了，这样就保持人格独立了，这样就算是有能耐了——结果我却在下一个转角和一群兴高采烈在另一条人生大道上奔走的傻逼们不期而遇……瞬间我就觉得自己傻逼了。原以为自己走出的不傻逼的路，最后还是和傻逼们汇合了。

　　我反思，我发现即使自己在不知不觉间已经变成了自己憎恶的傻逼，我仍然保有识别傻逼的眼镜：”听口水歌太傻逼了”，“听古典装什么装也太傻逼了”，“装清纯太傻逼了能别瞪眼睛别撅嘴不”，“自暴自弃装屌丝也太傻逼了除了跪舔还有别的姿势不”，“学金融太傻逼了”，“以为世界上大多数人都去学傻逼金融经济于是自己来学数学也太傻逼了”……总之傻逼太多，这也傻逼那也傻逼那到底什么才不傻逼？

　　到底怎样才不傻逼？

　　这大约等价于一老板的“怎样才能逃脱傻逼”的发问。

　　我不知道怎样回答这个问题。

　　是向傻逼们投降乖乖做一个傻逼，还是做一个自以为自己不傻逼的傻逼？

__________________________________

　　总之这篇日志真是傻逼透了……

a day in life

　　前两天我在上海的时候买了一件短袖衫，上面有披头士的歌名:a day in life.我感觉良好地穿着回来了。恰逢答辩结束，毕业前最后一门课也勉强及格（承蒙老师高抬贵手），终于修够学分，眼下就是事务性的毕业手续了，简直可以说是无事一身轻松，结果这两天却仍然浑浑噩噩，淘来的小说书基本一字未看，想想今天干了啥竟无从说起。真是伤心欲绝。可惜我那马上就要注销掉的图书馆证，一边抱着不舍得注销，一边又对着借来的书无动于衷。时间就这么白花花的流逝，我却动弹不得。猛踹自己一脚，动一动，又缩回了角落。明天早晨一早的火车回家，睡了。

荒原狼

第124面

我带着我的各种问题和想法找这些女人，可是对一个几乎没有读过一本书，几乎不知道读书是怎么一回事儿，连柴可夫斯基和贝多芬也区分不出的姑娘，我会爱她超过一个小时，我觉得这是完全不可能的。 

第131面

在当今世界上，谁要活着并且一辈子十分快活，他就不能做像你我这样的人。谁不要胡乱演奏而要听真正的音乐，不要低级娱乐而要真正的欢乐，不要钱而要灵魂，不要忙碌钻营而要真正的工作，不要逢场作戏而要真正的激情，那么，这个漂亮的世界可不是这种人的家乡……

第137面

 　　我们默默地沉溺在爱情的嬉戏中，比任何时候都深切地感到各自属于对方，而与此同时，我的灵魂在向玛利亚告辞，向她使我迷恋的一切告别。通过她，我学习了在我生命结束以前孩子般去熟悉并享受表面的游戏，去寻找瞬间的欢乐，在纯洁的性爱中享受人的本性，动物的本性。在以前的生活中，这种状况我只是在个别的例外的情况下经历过，因为在我看来，性生活和性几乎总是带有某种罪过的苦味，具有禁果那甜蜜而又使人害怕的味道，在这种果实面前，一个从事精神活动的人必须谨慎小心。现在，赫尔米娜和玛利亚向我展示了这个纯洁的性爱乐园，我一度成了这个乐园的客人，不胜感激，但很快就到了我该继续前行的时候了，对我来说，这个乐园太美太温暖了。我是注定要继续寻找生活的桂冠，继续为生活的无穷无尽的罪过忏悔受罚的。轻松的生活，轻松的爱情，轻松的死亡，这对我来说毫无意义。

书在这里：
http://book.douban.com/subject/3131626/

乱七八糟的梦

昨晚虽然就睡了一小会，但是做了好多梦，和美女看火车，还参加了答辩。然后不知怎么的拎着一个桶，里面竟然有一坨屎，我急着找地方给它埋了，我在武大，从情人坡一直找到老图，好多游客没地方埋，我从老图后面，抢过火车道口（场景已经换到都江堰郊外）差点被动车撞，最后终于在荒郊野外把屎给埋了……

Buddy

"[Buddy] said that a man should be able to lie at the bottom of a hill with his throat cut, slowly bleeding to death, and if a pretty girl or an old woman should pass by with a beautiful jug balanced perfectly on the top of her head, he should be able to raise himself up on one arm and see the jug safely over the top of the hill."